literature

Riscatto - Chapter 11

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Lovino balanced shakily on the precipice of a wall. He held his arms out to either side of himself, instinctually, for balance. Without much worry, he placed one foot in front of the other and walked along the wall's edge, rather quickly. It was a long drop down to the ground, maybe seven feet or so, but he knew he wouldn't fall. Lovino, fall? That was impossible.

"Hey, Romano, don't do that!" Antonio warned as he ran up to the younger. "You could fall!"

"Fuck off, jackass!" Came Lovino's harsh response. He closed his eyes in annoyance and continued to walk along the wall.  Like he, the great Lovino, would ever fall. He could do things on his own, anyways; he didn't need Antonio to look after him day after day. He had never asked to live in Antonio's house, nor did he desire to. Everything that had brought him to where he was today was thanks to circumstances he could not control.

So did he appreciate the Spaniard's actions at all?

Not one bit. If anything, they made him loathe his position even more.

Lovino had to admit; he liked Antonio as a person. He appreciated that Antonio fussed over him so much. It was nice to feel loved and wanted, especially when no one else made him feel that way.

But always, in the back of his mind, Lovino know that Antonio's gestures were double-sided; he probably only acted like he liked Lovino because he wanted his land. He probably only worried over Lovino because he didn't want anything to happen to the land. That's all it was, surely. Antonio didn't want Lovino, he wanted Romano. Which was exactly why he called him by that name and not his personal name.

Knowing this made Lovino resent Antonio, even though a part of him loved him, too, though he'd never admit it. He loved that Antonio wanted to protect and take care of him. He loved when Antonio made him things, or when they ate lunch together. Antonio leaving to go to war so often ripped Lovino apart inside, but he wouldn't acknowledge those feelings. He knew why Antonio was so sweet to him. There was always a reason, never just love.

Naturally, Lovino did his best to distance himself from the Spaniard. He couldn't risk getting attached, being torn apart when Antonio went off to another war, having to deal with his double-sided love when he returned. Things were easier left unsaid and unacknowledged.

"C'mon, Romano, don't be that way!" Antonio pleaded, easily keeping up with Lovino's pace. He craned his neck upwards to see the younger nation as they walked. "You'll fall, for sure! You know how clumsy you are! And you could break a bone or something if you fall!" The Spaniard stretched his arms out in preparation.

"Damnit, bastard, I'm not going to fall!" Lovino shouted in protest, looking down to his 'Boss' in his anger. He had walked along this very edge millions of times, and had not once fallen. What were the chances that he would suddenly fall now?

Lovino stopped where he stood and stared into Antonio's worried-filled eyes. How could he portray such strong emotions so easily? He was a damn good actor, for sure.

That thought made more waves of pain and anger rush over Lovino. He scowled – why had he even stopped walking in the first place? – and continued forwards, his arms stretched out on either side of him yet again.

"You don't care about me, anyways," Lovino found himself mumbling as he slowly continued on, "so why are you wasting your time?"

"Of course I care about you!" Antonio protested. "I love you!"

Lovino's heart stopped at the words, and so did his feet. He lost coordination in his shock, and before he knew what was happening, he was flying.

No, wait, he wasn't flying – he was falling! Lovino screamed in terror, clamped his eyes shut and tried his best to wrap his arms around his face. This was happening quickly, but why did it feel like it was taking years?

Next thing he knew, warmth was enveloping him. A second passed, in which Lovino was sure he was dead, before he slowly opened his eyes and looked around.

"A-am I dead…?" he wondered aloud. After a moment, he slowly picked his head up to look around more.

Antonio's gaze met his, and then he realized that he was in the Spaniard's arms.

Antonio had caught him, mid-fall. That bastard had probably saved his life.

"H-hey, Romano," Antonio whispered, tears gathering at the corners of his eyes, "a-are you alright?"

"A-ah, yeah," Lovino murmured, thinking about how he liked when Antonio hugged him, and how he liked the other's smell. He took a second to think, then asked, "B-but why are you crying?"

A tear fell from Antonio's eye and hit Lovino's cheek. Lovino, uninterested, left it where it fell. "I-I'm just so glad," Antonio whispered, hugging the younger to him tightly, "I'm so glad I caught you. I couldn't bear what would happen if you fell. I don't want to see you hurt."

Lovino, in shock, had no response. A moment passed before he mumbled, "W-well then, don't ever let me fall."

"I won't," the elder nation swore. "As long as you're with me, I promise I won't let anything happen to you. I love you, Romano. Please don't forget that or get hurt."

Lovino choked up, full of words he had always wanted to say but couldn't get past his lips. He had always wanted to tell Antonio that he loved him, like any child would to their caregiver. But knowing what he knew, he couldn't admit it. Telling Antonio that would be revealing weakness, and it would be falling for Antonio's act.

Because it was all an act, right?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lovino's eyes shot open. Panting, he sat up and looked around, the dream painfully lingering behind his eyes. He wiped the sweat from his brow and stumbled into the bathroom to pee.

"Just a dream," he mumbled aloud in an attempt to calm his erratic heart and shaky breath.

But it wasn't a dream, and he knew that. The scene that had played before him was actually a memory, and it was exactly as it happened, right down to the last detail. Even his thoughts were exactly the same.

Frowning, Lovino sat down on his bed and stared at his feet. Surely things had changed between then and now. He had become his own nation, unified with his brother. He was independent now, and didn't need Antonio for everything. Antonio had been upset when he left his house, but he seemed to take it well later on. He even acted as though he was happy for the younger.

So it was crazy to think Antonio was behaving this way because he wanted Lovino and his land back, right? Antonio actually loved Lovino, didn't he?

Even though he called him Romano.

Lovino chewed at his bottom lip as his stomach did summersaults. Antonio wasn't acting. He never had. Lovino was just insecure.

That had to be it. Had to be.

But why did he still feel so anxious, scared, unsure?

Tears welled at the corners of his eyes, but he wiped them away quickly. He would not cry over a stupid memory.

That stupid memory continued to torment him with what it could mean. Sighing and still biting his lip, Lovino stood and ventured out of his room. It was time he found his brother again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finding Feliciano was easy enough; he just had to follow the sounds of his brother's singing. That, coupled with the fact that it was late evening, ensured him that Feliciano would be found in the kitchen, either making something to eat or cleaning up.

"Ah, buon giorno, fratello!" Feliciano greeted him happily as he continued washing dishes. "Even though it isn't daytime!" Feliciano returned to his singing and cleaning for a minute or two before he looked over his shoulder and asked, "Are you hungry, fratello? I put the leftovers in the fridge."

"A-ah," Lovino murmured with a nod. "Alright…" He hadn't planned on eating before he consulted the younger, but at the prospect of food, his stomach growled uncontrollably. Thoughtlessly, Lovino procured the leftovers from the refrigerator and immediately began work on it. The feeling of food filling his stomach made him feel a little calmer, but his heart continued to race with the aftermath of the dream.

A period of silence passed between the brothers, before Lovino forced himself to speak up. "Ah, um…Where's the other two?" He asked feebly, trying and failing to think of a way to open up conversation.

"Still working on what we have to do for the war," Feliciano responded softly as he turned the faucet off and faced his brother. He wiped his hands on his apron and continued, "How was your siesta, fratello?"

Lovino frowned and looked to his plate, now unable to keep eye contact with the younger. "Fine…I guess…" He sighed loudly, barely able to hold it all in.

"Did you have a bad dream?" Feliciano prodded as he took a seat beside his brother. "Something about Big Brother Spain? You were acting really oddly when you two departed."

The elder bit his bottom lip in anxiety as he thought about everything that had transpired. "I…I never told Antonio I loved him before he left," he murmured, looking to his lap now.

"Do you?" Northern Italy asked softly, causing Southern Italy to look up in surprise. "You can't expect to say something you don't feel." Feliciano explained, placing a hand on Lovino's shoulder gently. "And I'm sure Big Brother Spain wouldn't want you to say it back if you didn't feel it."

Lovino sighed once more, looked to his plate again. "I…I don't know. I just don't fucking know." He threw his elbows on the table and put his face in his hands. "How do I know he loves me for me, and not for my land? He always calls me Romano, not Lovino. How do I know he doesn't act this way because he wants my land under his control again?" Hot tears were running down his face as he blurted all of his fears. That fucking dream.

Feliciano cooed, wrapped his arms around his brother. "Big Brother Spain would never do that to you," he whispered. "Fratello…he loves you. He always has. You know that."

He did know that. Antonio's gestures, his worries, his behavior…All of it, everything, was full of love. It always had been. Even as a child, Antonio had told him he loved him. Sure, maybe then it was a different love, but in the end, love was love. Declarations all meant the same thing, and they lasted forever. Just because Lovino had never accepted them before…

"You know he loves you," Feliciano interrupted his thoughts, "don't you? He tells you that all the time! Why didn't you tell him you love him back?"

Lovino was shaking, unable to breathe with the tears. "I don't know," he managed. "I…I-I couldn't…couldn't say it…"

"Do you want to tell him now?"

Lovino's heart skipped several beats. Of course he wanted to tell that bastard what he really felt, now. Now that there was no way of contacting him, now that he could be anywhere, he realized he wanted to tell that damned Spaniard he loved him. "Fuck," Lovino spat as tears of regret began to overtake the other tears.

"Well, he's at our place, right?" Feliciano whispered, carefully wiping some of the tears from Lovino's cheeks. "Just call him!"

Lovino's eyes widened in shock. Why hadn't he thought of that before?

"I-I can do that?" Lovino stuttered, forcing himself to look his brother in the eye.

"Of course you can, silly!" His younger brother ruffled his hair, as though he were the younger one and smiled. "You already know where the phone is."

"A-ah, r-right…" Lovino's heart was racing, now, with the thought of speaking with Antonio. What if he slipped and let those stupid insecurities out instead of saying what he really wanted? What if the Spaniard rejected him because he had waited so long? There were so many unfavorable things that could happen, Lovino found himself thrown in a pit of anxiety and worry. "F-feliciano, what if he…doesn't…" His voice drifted off with the painful possibilities.

"He won't," his fratellino promised. "He loves you too much!"

Lovino's heart panged with the words. Was his fratellino being serious, or only supportive? How could Feliciano possibly know Antonio's real feelings, anyway? But he didn't have the time to be skeptical or full of worry; he had to call Antonio, and he had to call him now. If he waited, even the littlest bit, he wouldn't be able to express his true feelings. They would get lost in the sea of everything else he was feeling.

Swallowing, Lovino stood and mumbled thanks to his brother before moving off in the direction of Ludwig's office.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Waves of torment rushing through him, Lovino picked up the phone and put it to his ear.

Listened to the silence, debating whether he should really call or not, and hung up when the dial tone began beeping.

Paced around the room, biting his finger, as his emotions waged war inside him.

Picked up the phone again, his finger bleeding from the intensity of the bite, immediately dialed the number, without wasting time on thought.

Hung up the phone, again, after two call sounds. His heart was racing too much.

Paced again, attempted to get his heart to calm down enough for him to actually make the call. Of course, this was for naught.

Again the phone was picked up, again the number was dialed. He held the phone so tightly his hand shook, forced his arm to poise it against his ear. He chewed his bottom lip raw; beads of blood welled up against his teeth, but it was useless to try and relieve them. Anxiety was controlling him completely, now.

Then, without warning, the line was picked up. It was soon, too soon; Lovino doubted he'd be able to speak to the person on the other end.

"iHola!" came the cheery Spanish voice. Lovino was sent over the deep end of emotional torment, but somehow he managed to stay on the line. "Veneziano and Romano aren't here right now, but –"

"A-antonio," Lovino interrupted him, his voice shaky, "it's…me."

"Ah, Romano!" Antonio sounded truly happy, which eased Lovino's anxieties the smallest bit. "It's good to hear from you. How are you? How was the meeting?"

The entire time Antonio spoke, Lovino shook as tears of relief ran down his cheeks. Antonio didn't hate him. That was a start.

There was a long pause, in which Lovino fought for words but found none sufficient. "Romano?" Antonio whispered into the phone. "Are you there? Are you alright?"

Lovino bit down on his lower lip, hard, in attempts to straighten his thoughts enough to speak. Antonio still cared about him; this alone shocked him into silence, though he was fighting it with all his strength. He had to get his thoughts straight and tell Antonio what it was that was eating him up inside.

"L-listen, Antonio," Lovino whispered, using his free hand to grip the roots of his hair roughly, "I-I have to tell you something…I forgot to tell you before…" His breathing was incomprehensible; it was impossible to explain why and how he was still standing as he spoke.

"Hmm?" Antonio murmured into the phone. "What is it?"

Lovino took deep breaths, multiple times, in attempt to calm his shaky heart. No such luck. "I…I'm sorry I didn't say this to you before…" He let his voice drift off in his inability to form the words. "I…I know I should have, but it wouldn't come out…"

"You don't have to be so scared, Romano," the Spaniard on the other line whispered. "I won't ever hurt you."

Tears ran down Lovino's cheeks at the words, which only made speaking harder. But he was going to say what he wanted to say, no matter what, because he knew now that he really did want to say them. "A-antonio…I…love you, too. I'm sorry I didn't say it before you left. I love you."

"Waaaahhhh, really? I'm so happy! I love you, too! I was so worried you didn't…when you didn't…" The other's voice drifted off.

"I know," Lovino managed as he attempted to talk as normally as possible through the tears. "I'm sorry. I love you." The more he said it, the more concrete it felt, and the easier it was to say.

"Hey, Romano, are you crying?" Antonio voice sounded cheery and oblivious, as always.

Lovino sniffled, wiped his eyes. "No," he murmured, taking a huge breath of relief as he sat in Ludwig's chair.

"That's okay," the older responded, and Lovino swore he could hear the smile in his voice, "I am too."

Lovino couldn't help but chuckle. He sighed and looked up to the ceiling. "So, how are you? Have you been treated all right?"

"Si, si, everything's fine here," Antonio responded. "But I miss you, Roma."

Lovino's heart ached with the reminder. "I miss you, too…"

"Romano, promise me something?"

"Hmm?"

"Come home soon."
Ahhh, horray, Chapter 11 finally up! Please let me know if this one sounds strained at all...And also, what did you think of the dream/memory? Of the whole chapter in general? I'm a bit worried that it's too sappy overall, but that could be just me ^^; Please let me know!

Here’s the links to the other chapters:

:bulletred:Chapter 1: [link]
:bulletyellow:Chapter 2: [link]
:bulletred:Chapter 3: [link]
:bulletgreen:Chapter 4: [link]
:bulletwhite:Chapter 5: [link]
:bulletred:Chapter 6: [link]
:bulletblack:Chapter 7: [link]
:bulletred:Chapter 8: [link]
:bulletyellow:Chapter 9: [link]
:bulletwhite:Chapter 10: [link]
:bulletred:Chapter 11: here!
:bulletwhite:Chapter 12: [link]
:bulletred:Chapter 13: [link]
:bulletwhite:Chapter 14: [link]
:bulletblue:Chapter 15: [link]
:bulletgreen:Chapter 16: [link]
:bulletwhite:Chapter 17: [link]
© 2010 - 2024 Anuksut
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kittykatrocks12's avatar
This is So Cute and Sweet

Poor Lovi, I understand how hard it is to tell the person you love that you love them.