One Year Later...

It’s been a year since I wrote the last journal entry here on dA. I remember writing it like it was only days ago, my heart thumping in my chest anxiously as I prepared to pour out the entirety of my innermost feelings to my friends and family online. While I was writing it, I could only think of that deep, burning passion of mine to do what I love, and simultaneously how I would be judged for wanting to choose that path. The thought of the judgmental aftermath to my declaration was really the inhibitor for me for quite some time; I lied to myself, I swore to myself that I had to find something better that I liked but would also pay the bills more easily and generate a better income. Growing up poor, life was, and still is, all about the money – where it’s coming from, what bill it’s paying next, and how it will be stretched down to the last penny. My family always told me to pick something I loved, but also solemnly reminded me that it needed to be able to pay the crippling bills, as well. Growing up, I would murmur options ahead of me and think about which path I wanted to take. The careers I mentioned as interesting were hushed and discouraged if they were known for being lackluster in their pay; this was a form of encouragement and empowerment to my family. Pick the right path. Make all the money you can, as fast as you can.

So the idea that I must get a job that paid well above all else was stuck in my head for quite some time. It still kinda is. But recently I’ve been putting a lot of thought into what I want to do and how I want to do it. I’ve almost switched jobs and it’s allowed me more free time – more than I’d like, honestly, but I digress – to really reflect on myself, where I’ve ended up now, and how I want to move forward.

Where does that leave us now? How has this year been different than the last?

Well, to be honest, a lot has changed. I got an Associate’s Degree in General Studies from a community college while working full time at Best Buy. During my time at the community college, I became a member of Phi Theta Kappa and graduated with honors. I was in a journalism class and had two articles I had written published in the school’s newspaper. I was accepted to return to UConn for the fall of this year, but unfortunately wasn’t given enough aid to return. For now, I’ve been looking into other schools that can push me forward in my drive for photojournalism and photography. I haven’t settled on any ideas there. 

I’ve been at Best Buy for two years now, and honestly I can’t stand it, but like I mentioned earlier, I got a new job. I’m working both jobs now, with Best Buy as an occasional thing. My stress and depression/anxiety levels have gone way down as a result of this, so I feel like I can relax more both at Best Buy and away. They really treated me awfully there so I’m glad it’s not my priority anymore. I like the new place much better, and it feels like it suits me more, so it’s added to my sense of comfort and my ability to reflect on myself so that I can move forward.

When I first posted that journal entry a year ago, I was expecting harsh words and judgment – but exactly the opposite happened. I have received, and still receive, such an amazing amount of support and love from those around me. When I upload photos, everyone comments and tells me what an amazing job I’m doing. They volunteer to model for me, offer suggestions, like and share my photos. These efforts may seem small, but they honestly mean the world to me. I’ve honestly lived a life of struggle, growing up on my own and relying on no one but myself. So to suddenly be surrounded by so much positivity and love honestly takes my breath away. I’m really, really appreciative of every word of support people have offered to me, both online and in person. I made business cards for my photography, hoping to start getting my name out there, and people have requested multiple copies so they can hand out a few themselves. In six short days I’ll be photographing my first professional wedding. I’m nervous as hell and I hope I can do well, but in the back of my mind I’m confident in my abilities as a photographer. I just have to shake anxiety’s grip on me.  

So much has changed in such a short amount of time. I suppose that’s how it always is, but now that I’m writing it down I finally realize the full extent of it. It’s breathtaking in its own way, and it’s allowing me to see more clearly just how far I have come in this short time. I’m pretty happy with my growth so far. I’ve been looking into doing things with photography for a career, and I’m thinking about a degree in photojournalism or journalism by itself. It combines what I’m good at and what I love into a profession – writing and photography. Honestly now that I think about it, nothing feels better and more satisfying for me. So after the initial struggle of holding myself back because it doesn’t make enough money, I’ve decided that I’m going to take the plunge and go for it in my own way. I can always work some other job to help pay the bills.

I’ve been itching to move out of my home state for pretty much my entire life, but I’m starting to work towards making that goal a reality now. I’d rather get my life straightened out enough to move out of the state, settle in the new area, and then figure out what I want to do for school down there after. I’ve put a lot of thought into pretty much everything at this point, and this decision just seems like the most desirable one for me at the moment.

Well, I suppose that catches us up well enough. Thanks for reading, and thanks for being a part of my journey through life, in any sort of way – even if you’ve just favorited a photo in the past or added me to your watch, I notice, and it really means a lot to me, every single time. Thank you for helping me move forward